Chapter 3. The writer

 link to The Janergy Effect e-book

I never imagined that I would love to write, let alone be writing a story about where my journey in life has taken me. But that’s the beauty of continual personal growth and the desire to keep exploring. It opens the pathway to discovery and my writing was a pivotal tool that helped make the decision to leave my marriage a lot easier for me.

At some point in our life, the contemplation of our purpose begins to surface. We realise that our time on the planet is limited and the need to live it in the most meaningful way pushes us to seek out experiences that will make us feel fulfilled. Whether they be work, personal or relationship choices, we begin to reflect on whether what we are doing in these areas of our life is actually good for us and is bringing us joy.

I certainly thought about this when I was first on the quest to find my sweet spot. There is another other sweet spot we might be in search of, but that discussion might belong to another chapter. The sweet spot I'm talking about is the place where our passion and purpose meet to give us profit. Initially I was so determined to find this sweet spot because I wanted to receive financial reward for doing something I love, but as time has passed, my thoughts about the sweet spot has shifted and what is important is that my profit doesn’t have to be monetary, it can be the profit that comes from the feeling of doing something that I love.

The Sweet Spot. Where purpose, passion and profit collide

What is my passion and what is my purpose? What is it I love doing and how do I share it with others? What is it I do that excites me and I can happily do for hours on end without feeling like it’s a chore? What I have discovered, is that there are some things that we might instinctively have a passion for that we go on to develop throughout our life. And there are others that we uncover on our life journey when we decide to push fear aside and open ourselves up to the world of possibility.

Many of us still struggle with the desire to feel fulfilled by doing something other than what we are doing. Our purpose and passion can go hand in hand and yet they can remain hidden for years or possibly our whole life, leaving us to wonder what we were truly put on this earth to do.

I know in the past, that fear has dictated a lot of my decision making. Leaving a shitty marriage is a case in point and I know that fear has stopped me from doing many things I wish I would have done, but I can’t go back and change those things, but I can go forward and be open to all possibility.

If I was asked what things could help you to build a richer life, I would say….

1. Be open to opportunity
2. Say yes to everything (within reason)
3. Don’t let fear control your life. 

There are others I spruke as well, but for now, let’s stick with those three. I know we are in difficult times and some opportunities may not be as prevalent as they were, but we can still consider exploring things that may unexpectedly present and we should have the courage to give things a go.

They say that fear is just an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real and I had an experience recently where I felt fear of the unknown and the strange part was, that it was in my imagination.

I was doing a meditation and the meditation asked us to close our eyes and imagine we were on a beautiful beach. We then had to walk into the water and enjoy the feeling of the water around us. Next, we had to go beneath the surface and swim around. We didn’t have to worry about being able to breath, we just had to freely explore what was beneath the surface. I was seeing all the beautiful fish and coral and I then began thinking what if a shark comes, or some other sea monster comes. Forget that fact that humans can’t breathe underwater, but in my imagination, it didn’t matter.

The meditation asked us to go deeper into the water where there was no natural light coming through. I was feeling fear. It was the unknown, but I was in charge of the thoughts and imagery that was coming and I had to remind myself that I could make this an enjoyable, or frightening experience.

The meditation then asked us to swim towards the surface of the water and fly out like a bird and begin soaring in the sky, looking down at the water and the wider earth. We then had to fly higher above the earth, where it became darker and the earth became smaller and smaller, and again, I felt fear. The unknown was upon me, but I kept at it and eventually, the meditation took me to a place beyond our earthly presence. I was calm and yet there was still this part of my brain that was in fear and it was because of the unknown.

Research has shown that our brain cannot tell the difference between real and imagined experiences. That’s why visualisation is such a great tool and the meditation was a great example of visualised irrational fear. I was feeling fear about something that wasn’t a real touchable experience and when I finished the meditation and opened my eyes, I was really surprised about how I felt through what was supposed be a relaxing meditation. I felt really uncomfortable and I hadn’t even left the room. I’m not likely to do this mediation again, because it wasn’t very relaxing.

Making change is fearful for most, but the reward of taking a little or a big step into the unknown is so satisfying when you have the courage to embrace it and discover something that you love, and through my writing, I began to build the confidence that eventually helped me take a big bold step.

My writing eventually became the place where I could begin to let out all the thoughts and feelings that were inside me and a place where I subtly tried to let my ex-husband know that things were not okay. Nothing else seemed to be working, so I decided to tap into his love of reading.

The writing bug hit back in 2010 when I was inspired by my nephew, who on his sixth birthday proceeded to get up and set his day up for celebratory success. My sister shared with me that at breakfast time, he had decorated his chair with streamers and balloons and then wrote the number six as many ways as he could and finally wrote his name on his plate. This little bit of self-love joy and golden confidence, got me thinking about how we don’t celebrate ourselves or life in general enough, and how when we do things that show us off or make us stand out, then people can be quick to put us in our place. But when you are six, people don’t judge. They think it’s cute and probably deep down wish they still had some of that spark.

Now, with the excesses of social media, there has been a big shift in this way of thinking, because pretty much anyone is able to use the platforms to share whatever makes them feel good and stand out, and if someone wants to make unsolicited negative commentary, then you can just block those motherfuckers.

My birthday falls two days after my nephews, so with him as inspiration, I decided to start a project and set up a Tumblr account. At that time, Tumblr was the only thing I really knew in the blogging stratosphere. I originally wanted it to be a place where I shared happy things and lots of smiles, but within a week I had decided to take and post a picture of my face every day and apart from a couple of days over the year, I was true to my word.

My photo a day project had set me off on two journeys. The first was a deeper journey of self-love and confidence and the second was my discovery and love for writing and storytelling.

Back in my late 20’s I had begun my journey of inner work, when I was plagued with panic attacks and to this very day, my desire to want to live a life of peace and calm is still at the foremost of my mind, even though it was compromised during my marriage. In my 30’s I was trying to figure out who the person was I wanted to be. To others, I must have oozed confidence, but deep down inside, my little being was faking the fuck out of life.

I was someone who never ever believed I was attractive and as the year went on with this project, I began to see the beauty in me that others also did. It was a very powerful thing. I did feel like a bit of a weirdo at first sharing my pictures, but my sister assured me that the young folk were all about giving themselves exposure and here I was having just turned 44 and I was doing the same. I called this project “My journey to over exposure” and decided that if I didn't blow my own trumpet, then who would? 

My journey to over exposure. Left is September 2010 and right is a year later

The self-confidence part of this project was also great as I discovered something I was really good at, enjoyed doing and developed a passion for. Writing excited me, but I guess my one regret was that I never shared my stories beyond a small group of friends on my Facebook, because I never believed I could command a readership beyond that, even though the feedback I was getting was so positive and encouraging. I was making people laugh and feel good.

I am someone who never likes to follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing and for most aspects of my life, I usually just do what I want without giving it a second thought, but I had never written anything before, the selfie peak was still a few years away and here I was sharing two things that I could be critiqued on so easily.

After that year of over exposing myself, I continued on with more of a blogging theme and set up my own dinky di domain and blog page. I blogged about food, travel, fashion and anything else in between. A friend even said that it was so good, I should have my own TV show. I have to say, fear stopped me from widening my circle of experience in that regard as well until about 2018 when I discovered the love of sharing videos on my Instagram.

The name janijans was given to me back in about 1998, from a girl who worked at a coffee shop I used to frequent. The name has stuck with me and now has its own variations for which different people associate with me. I am janijans, janni, the janergizer and janergy, the name I have used for the title of my story - The Janergy Effect.

The Janergy Effect is what I like to think is the magic within me that has helped me through so much and maybe for people who know me, it’s been a bit of magic that has helped and inspired them as well.

Now here I am, 10 years on and my passion for writing is still very much alive and my desire to do more storytelling continues to burn deep within me.

Although it was still a few years till my marriage would be over, I had my writing to keep me company. I became engrossed in another writing project at the start of 2014 when I was in the shittest time of that relationship. I could only describe it as being truly FUCKED UP.

Many years ago, I had read a book called Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s a super book with 100 chapters of things we can do to stop all the small stuff from taking over our life. Small stuff had taken over my life back then and I needed to try and find some balance. For me, the book was a game changer because when I began to identify the things I was giving my energy to and worrying about, I was able to begin to let them go and decide what and how much energy I wanted to give to perceived problems.

With the escalation of things at home, my inner peace was rapidly declining and I didn’t like the feelings I was feeling. My life was so far away from calm that I had no idea how I could restore it. I was coming up with any possible idea to try and help bring peace back to my life and to my marriage and I remembered that book – Don’t sweat the small stuff.

With my take charge attitude, I decided that I had to be the one to manage my part of this situation - or shituation as it was - so I went and got another copy. Actually, I got two. One for me and one for my ex. It was my intention to just read it and be reminded of the things that I had put into practice when I read it the first time, but when I finished it, I had the hair brain idea to begin writing about all the chapters in the book and how they were relating to my current reality and to begin to use the book as a way to restore my zen.

A quote from the book really summed up the situation I had found myself in.

"change the things that can be changed,
accept those that cannot,
and have the wisdom to know the difference"

I knew what I had to change and it was the way I was responding.

I had no idea how long it would take to finish the project, or whether I ever would, but I eventually reached chapter 100. It did take a few years to complete, as a lot of other stuff began to fill my live feed and many new experiences became part of the writing journey.

Completing the project became a project in itself as I knew I wanted closure and to acknowledge this mammoth undertaking. I had people reading and responding to my writing, which felt fantastic and the writing journey had been instrumental in my decision to make change.

I guess we can always ask the “what if” question. What if I hadn’t started that photo a day journey? What if I never let it evolve into something that helped me to discover this “thing” I call a gift? What if I had of been content to live the life which was weighing me down, what if, what if, what if?

I don’t want to think about the what if, because all I did was take one unexpected, unplanned step after being inspired by someone else and that small step not only opened the pathway towards finding a true passion, but also helped me to take bigger steps towards creating a better life.

Words seem to come to me and in 2018 I did another writing project, which was a word a day. I ended up with a wall in my apartment that was full of coloured post its containing words that had meaning to me and were significant for what was another big year of change. 

The word a day wall

In 2019, whilst in India, I started spending time just writing quietly and beginning to flesh out what my story might look like if I were to go ahead and start tapping away on the keyboard. And in 2020 more change has come and I don’t just mean the global pandemic, which is one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed in my lifetime, but change that has bought me to beautiful New Zealand where I have found the inspiration to continue on with my story.

As I think back, I know I was always quick witted and good with words, but I was the girl who couldn’t find the words to use in the high school debate, or the words to tell her she was good enough till much later in life, or the right words to tame and quieten that roaring Leo who would be ready to pounce on me should things not go his way. But I eventually uncovered an unexpected gift and found a way to use written words to guide me through the turmoil of my marriage and make it to the other side and to a moment in time where I could speak the words I needed to speak, and those words were…..I want a divorce.

I certainly don't have the answers on how to find your passion and purpose, but it starts with trying something new, doing something unexpected, following a gut feeling or in my case, being inspired from a most unusual source.