Chapter 4. The perfect storm

The Janergy Effect e-book link

I had lived in Brisbane for most of my life and wasn’t unhappy there and the thought never really struck me to move away. I had a great job, had cemented a fulfilling career path and was content to continue calling Brisbane home. But I think the universe had other plans for me.

Brisbane was known for its powerful storms and sometimes they were unexpected and struck with ferociousness. It was common place to see vision of people’s homes on the news after they had been devastated by wild storms, but I never thought that I would find myself in the path of one.

As the Brisbane storms build up they are usually visible as they roll in across from the west and on this particular day, we could see the clouds building and knew that a storm warning had been issued, but it didn’t look very nasty from where we were. Sometimes even the darkest of clouds turned out to be nothing more than a rain storm, but you could never tell so I decided to head home just in case. I was pretty confident that I’d make it home with no issues, as I didn’t live too far. I’d got just over a kilometre from work and it started to rain –but it still wasn’t looking like all hell was about to unleash, so I took my usual scenic route down along the river thinking it would just be a quick heavy shower and a great way to get the car washed!

Then out of nowhere, the rain took hold and the wind picked up. It made visibility really tough and it was now hard to see, so I stopped on the side of the road to wait for the rain to pass. I noticed that the wind was getting so strong and there were tall gum trees around me that were beginning to really sway so I decided that I’d better try and get to a safer spot in case a branch came down.

I began driving again, but it was near impossible so had to stop. And then the hail hit. There was nowhere to go and I wasn’t even able to find a driveway with a carport that I could pull into. I had been in a car when small hail had hit or safely undercover when I had seen bigger hail, but this was something else. This hail was the size that would sit nicely in a glass of whisky, while you sipped it slowly, waiting for a storm to pass.

I was expecting my windscreen to smash, or the ragtop of our convertible to be shredded, but thankfully those things stayed intact. I don’t think I have ever been so frightened. The sound was incredible and the car was being beaten to a pulp and all I could do was wait it out. The hail began to slow and I felt relieved that it was passing. But it wasn’t slowing, it was just taking a breath and getting ready to unleash a second more intense and more ferocious delivery then before. I really hoped that this time, it didn’t smash what was probably an already fragile windscreen or roof, in which case I’d be fucked.

As I was sitting there, I noticed that the water around me was starting to rise on the road, so decided I should try and move the car so water didn’t start to come in, or worse still, it floated away with the flash flood that was approaching.

I managed to drive to a higher spot and waited for the storm to pass. There were trees literally ripped out of the ground, branches everywhere, debris across the roads and water too deep to drive through.

 

Flash flooding 

 

Eventually it all calmed and the sun began to peak through and I was able to begin my very long and stressful journey home. What should have been a 10 minute drive home, took over two hours.

It all felt very surreal and I remember driving on and feeling so overwhelmed with what had happened and what I was seeing, so I pulled over. People were now coming out of their homes to survey the damage and some people near where I was parked came out to see if I was okay and invited me in. I was probably in some kind of shock and I guess it wasn’t surprising, given what I had experienced. It was truly terrifying being in that storm and I thought I was probably going to be injured. But thanks to my super strong Volvo, I was protected, unlike other cars I was seeing around me. There wasn’t a chip on the windscreen and the ragtop roof was impeccable. The rest of the car though, was a mess. 

I continued on with my journey home but the traffic on the main road was at a standstill and it just wasn’t possible to get through. The power was out, cars were stopped everywhere, so I decided to stop at the service station near home because I was really busting for a pee. I was literally 500 metres from home, but I was not able to go anywhere.

 

The road home and our car before I knew how damaged it was

 

There were lots of people like me, just stranded and waiting and waiting and waiting. The service station attendant very kindly let me use the bathroom and I navigated my way through in the pitch black to find it and he also very kindly began giving water to people who were outside. As I stood outside waiting, I suddenly felt like I was going to collapse or worse still die. I know that sounds very dramatic, but I had experienced panic attacks before, but this was something more intense. There was no way an ambulance would ever be able to get to me if something happened. It was chaos all round.

I found somewhere to sit down and took a lot of deep breaths. I head learned many years ago how to deal with anxiety and panic, so I did my best to go into relax mode and just kept breathing and talked myself through it.

It eventually became possible for me to drive the short distance home and see all the houses in our street and surrounds suffering major damage and ours was included.

The storm that hit was a supercell storm where two storm fronts merge and cause an almighty fuck up. It was one of Australia’s worst storms and the worst one Brisbane had seen since 1985 and our suburb was one of the hardest hit. The clouds we could see building from our office, were nothing compared to what others were seeing and this storm was so bad, that a year later they were still talking about it and even gave it an anniversary. If you were to google November storm Brisbane, you would get an idea of what had hit us.

Here’s a video someone took in our suburb to show how wild it was. 

 

During the afternoon, I had been trying to call my ex-husband to let him know that storms were approaching and asked if he could close the windows, but he was at a movie and we never got to speak until shortly before I got home. He had made it home safely but was witness to the unfolding devastation and when I arrived, my son met me outside and warned me about what I was going to see before stepping inside our house. The damage outside our home was enough to tell me that inside may not have fared well either.

I was now one of many people who had been in one of the worst storm disasters in Australia and we had no idea where to begin the clean-up.

 

The side of our house where it was impacted by the storm

 

It was a long time before we had power back on and everything that had been touched by the storm was wet, including my newly found single woman bed. The storm had hit the back and side of our house and hail had smashed over 50 windows – yes, we had a lot. There was a lot of louvres and they were mainly downstairs where many of our things were being stored awaiting the reno, that was now no longer going to happen. There was no need to shut the windows that day, because most of them ended up gone.

The hail and wind were so strong that it smashed holes through furniture and other personal items in three rooms. I no longer had cupboards, drawers, clothes, shoes, sewing machines or computers. But I had a lot of water, glass, leaves and an almighty mess to clean up. Furniture was literally thrown around inside the house and what wasn’t damaged by hail was affected by water. 

 

Our office - nice breeze

 

This cupboard was where I stored many of my clothes

 

The sewing room didn't fare well

This outdoor table belonged to my nana.

It held fond memories for us but was no match for the storm

The clean-up was pretty traumatic. The council arranged a kerbside collection and we began piling our damaged possessions out onto the street. At one point a man called out to ask if something in the pile was still working and could he have it. That was a distressing moment as I guess it felt a bit like looting, even though we had to part with these things and it was a kind of heartless feeling to think that people were ready to pounce on your possessions that had been destroyed in such an unforgiving way.

 

More than one load of our possessions had to be thrown out due to water and glass damage

The hail also damaged the roof and caused a number of leaks inside our home.  One was in our study, which I became aware of after I awoke to a drip drip drip sound in the middle of the night and the other leak was a biggie in our kitchen.  This drip was the mother of all drips and eventually required us to call in the state emergency service to put a tarp on our roof.

There was little that could be done to fix this one, apart from a new roof and our insurers weren’t willing to do this.  They said our roof was too old and no evidence of hail damage could be found on the outside.  They sent out numerous investigators to try and find evidence of hail damage, but each time they denied its existence.  One day there is no rain coming through the ceiling and the next day there is rain coming in and the only common factor was an almighty hail storm.  They ended up offering us “goodwill” payments as a gesture for the stress we were enduring with the roof.  This went on for months and our kitchen became home to numerous permanent buckets needed to catch the summer rain.

We eventually got an independent review of the roof and the inspector actually climbed into the ceiling cavity and discovered incredible pitting that could have only been caused by severe hail.  We hoped this would be sufficient for the insurance to cover the repair or replacement, but nope, the insurers stood their ground and maintained that there was no damage was from hail. We took our case to the ombudsman who also sided with the insurer, so we were left with no choice but to arrange a costly repair ourself.

Thankfully, the insurer did agree to pay for all other damage and repairs that had occurred and for that we were grateful. 

The beautiful car which had kept me safe during the storm was written off.  The hail damage was shocking and the force of it actually threw the car off its foundations.

This amazing car kept me so safe in the midst of the storm, but was pounded by the hail

In the midst of going through this separation and having to live with my ex-husband, I had to deal with the effects of the storm, but I did it with the best way I knew how – with grace, humour, acceptance and an umbrella that I would wear on my head inside to keep me dry.

I decided to wear this umbrella inside.  Behind me are the windows that we had to patch up

We had bought the house in 2010 with grand plans of renovating what would have become a great home, but even before ending my marriage it was necessary for us to sell. We had a couple of offers, that would have set us up financially, but at the time, it wasn’t meant to be.

I took a couple of days off work to deal with the clean up and remember going out for something and caught sight of myself in a mirror. I didn’t realise that I had mascara all under my eyes and when I stopped to try and wipe it off, I discovered it wasn’t mascara, it was black bags pretending to be mascara and no amount of wiping would make it move.

What that told me, was that I needed to stop and do a check in with myself, and after acknowledging that within the space of a few weeks, two very significant life events had happened, I booked a ticket to Fiji to go and see my family and flew out the following morning.

 

A quick coffee before I headed to Fiji for some much needed R&R

Actually, I nearly didn’t fly out, because after waiting for an hour and a half in the check in line, I got to the front of the queue to discover that my passport was out of date by ONE day. Can you believe it? One freaken day.

After some frantic calls to the Fijian authorities in Suva I was given permission to travel and made it to the gate after taking my shoes off and running the length of the airport as my name was being called over the loudspeaker to alert me that I was about to be offloaded.

I arrived to the plane and burst into tears. The flight attendants gave me a box of tissues and I cried nearly the whole way to Fiji. Yeah, I needed that release.

After a wonderful break, it was back home to the reality of living in a situation that was not likely to change until we were able to sell our house. 

A storm is the way that the atmosphere releases energy and with it comes change. Change from the preceding heat to the welcome coolness or in my case a change that was bigger than just the damage to my home and possessions. It was a change that paved the way for me to follow an opportunity that I never would have seen on my horizon.

I guess my take away for this time is:

1. Make sure your insurance is in order
2. If you are going to buy a car, consider a Volvo, its ability to keep me safe and do its duty exceeded its safety rating expectation
3. If you are going to book an overseas holiday make sure your passport is current
4. Don’t wear high heels at an airport, in case you have to run to catch your flight
5. Recognise when to stop and take a break, if it’s all feeling too much and know that it’s okay to down tools.

Actually, maybe forget number three, because who needs a passport in 2020 anyway?

Chapter 3. The writer

 link to The Janergy Effect e-book

I never imagined that I would love to write, let alone be writing a story about where my journey in life has taken me. But that’s the beauty of continual personal growth and the desire to keep exploring. It opens the pathway to discovery and my writing was a pivotal tool that helped make the decision to leave my marriage a lot easier for me.

At some point in our life, the contemplation of our purpose begins to surface. We realise that our time on the planet is limited and the need to live it in the most meaningful way pushes us to seek out experiences that will make us feel fulfilled. Whether they be work, personal or relationship choices, we begin to reflect on whether what we are doing in these areas of our life is actually good for us and is bringing us joy.

I certainly thought about this when I was first on the quest to find my sweet spot. There is another other sweet spot we might be in search of, but that discussion might belong to another chapter. The sweet spot I'm talking about is the place where our passion and purpose meet to give us profit. Initially I was so determined to find this sweet spot because I wanted to receive financial reward for doing something I love, but as time has passed, my thoughts about the sweet spot has shifted and what is important is that my profit doesn’t have to be monetary, it can be the profit that comes from the feeling of doing something that I love.

The Sweet Spot. Where purpose, passion and profit collide

What is my passion and what is my purpose? What is it I love doing and how do I share it with others? What is it I do that excites me and I can happily do for hours on end without feeling like it’s a chore? What I have discovered, is that there are some things that we might instinctively have a passion for that we go on to develop throughout our life. And there are others that we uncover on our life journey when we decide to push fear aside and open ourselves up to the world of possibility.

Many of us still struggle with the desire to feel fulfilled by doing something other than what we are doing. Our purpose and passion can go hand in hand and yet they can remain hidden for years or possibly our whole life, leaving us to wonder what we were truly put on this earth to do.

I know in the past, that fear has dictated a lot of my decision making. Leaving a shitty marriage is a case in point and I know that fear has stopped me from doing many things I wish I would have done, but I can’t go back and change those things, but I can go forward and be open to all possibility.

If I was asked what things could help you to build a richer life, I would say….

1. Be open to opportunity
2. Say yes to everything (within reason)
3. Don’t let fear control your life. 

There are others I spruke as well, but for now, let’s stick with those three. I know we are in difficult times and some opportunities may not be as prevalent as they were, but we can still consider exploring things that may unexpectedly present and we should have the courage to give things a go.

They say that fear is just an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real and I had an experience recently where I felt fear of the unknown and the strange part was, that it was in my imagination.

I was doing a meditation and the meditation asked us to close our eyes and imagine we were on a beautiful beach. We then had to walk into the water and enjoy the feeling of the water around us. Next, we had to go beneath the surface and swim around. We didn’t have to worry about being able to breath, we just had to freely explore what was beneath the surface. I was seeing all the beautiful fish and coral and I then began thinking what if a shark comes, or some other sea monster comes. Forget that fact that humans can’t breathe underwater, but in my imagination, it didn’t matter.

The meditation asked us to go deeper into the water where there was no natural light coming through. I was feeling fear. It was the unknown, but I was in charge of the thoughts and imagery that was coming and I had to remind myself that I could make this an enjoyable, or frightening experience.

The meditation then asked us to swim towards the surface of the water and fly out like a bird and begin soaring in the sky, looking down at the water and the wider earth. We then had to fly higher above the earth, where it became darker and the earth became smaller and smaller, and again, I felt fear. The unknown was upon me, but I kept at it and eventually, the meditation took me to a place beyond our earthly presence. I was calm and yet there was still this part of my brain that was in fear and it was because of the unknown.

Research has shown that our brain cannot tell the difference between real and imagined experiences. That’s why visualisation is such a great tool and the meditation was a great example of visualised irrational fear. I was feeling fear about something that wasn’t a real touchable experience and when I finished the meditation and opened my eyes, I was really surprised about how I felt through what was supposed be a relaxing meditation. I felt really uncomfortable and I hadn’t even left the room. I’m not likely to do this mediation again, because it wasn’t very relaxing.

Making change is fearful for most, but the reward of taking a little or a big step into the unknown is so satisfying when you have the courage to embrace it and discover something that you love, and through my writing, I began to build the confidence that eventually helped me take a big bold step.

My writing eventually became the place where I could begin to let out all the thoughts and feelings that were inside me and a place where I subtly tried to let my ex-husband know that things were not okay. Nothing else seemed to be working, so I decided to tap into his love of reading.

The writing bug hit back in 2010 when I was inspired by my nephew, who on his sixth birthday proceeded to get up and set his day up for celebratory success. My sister shared with me that at breakfast time, he had decorated his chair with streamers and balloons and then wrote the number six as many ways as he could and finally wrote his name on his plate. This little bit of self-love joy and golden confidence, got me thinking about how we don’t celebrate ourselves or life in general enough, and how when we do things that show us off or make us stand out, then people can be quick to put us in our place. But when you are six, people don’t judge. They think it’s cute and probably deep down wish they still had some of that spark.

Now, with the excesses of social media, there has been a big shift in this way of thinking, because pretty much anyone is able to use the platforms to share whatever makes them feel good and stand out, and if someone wants to make unsolicited negative commentary, then you can just block those motherfuckers.

My birthday falls two days after my nephews, so with him as inspiration, I decided to start a project and set up a Tumblr account. At that time, Tumblr was the only thing I really knew in the blogging stratosphere. I originally wanted it to be a place where I shared happy things and lots of smiles, but within a week I had decided to take and post a picture of my face every day and apart from a couple of days over the year, I was true to my word.

My photo a day project had set me off on two journeys. The first was a deeper journey of self-love and confidence and the second was my discovery and love for writing and storytelling.

Back in my late 20’s I had begun my journey of inner work, when I was plagued with panic attacks and to this very day, my desire to want to live a life of peace and calm is still at the foremost of my mind, even though it was compromised during my marriage. In my 30’s I was trying to figure out who the person was I wanted to be. To others, I must have oozed confidence, but deep down inside, my little being was faking the fuck out of life.

I was someone who never ever believed I was attractive and as the year went on with this project, I began to see the beauty in me that others also did. It was a very powerful thing. I did feel like a bit of a weirdo at first sharing my pictures, but my sister assured me that the young folk were all about giving themselves exposure and here I was having just turned 44 and I was doing the same. I called this project “My journey to over exposure” and decided that if I didn't blow my own trumpet, then who would? 

My journey to over exposure. Left is September 2010 and right is a year later

The self-confidence part of this project was also great as I discovered something I was really good at, enjoyed doing and developed a passion for. Writing excited me, but I guess my one regret was that I never shared my stories beyond a small group of friends on my Facebook, because I never believed I could command a readership beyond that, even though the feedback I was getting was so positive and encouraging. I was making people laugh and feel good.

I am someone who never likes to follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing and for most aspects of my life, I usually just do what I want without giving it a second thought, but I had never written anything before, the selfie peak was still a few years away and here I was sharing two things that I could be critiqued on so easily.

After that year of over exposing myself, I continued on with more of a blogging theme and set up my own dinky di domain and blog page. I blogged about food, travel, fashion and anything else in between. A friend even said that it was so good, I should have my own TV show. I have to say, fear stopped me from widening my circle of experience in that regard as well until about 2018 when I discovered the love of sharing videos on my Instagram.

The name janijans was given to me back in about 1998, from a girl who worked at a coffee shop I used to frequent. The name has stuck with me and now has its own variations for which different people associate with me. I am janijans, janni, the janergizer and janergy, the name I have used for the title of my story - The Janergy Effect.

The Janergy Effect is what I like to think is the magic within me that has helped me through so much and maybe for people who know me, it’s been a bit of magic that has helped and inspired them as well.

Now here I am, 10 years on and my passion for writing is still very much alive and my desire to do more storytelling continues to burn deep within me.

Although it was still a few years till my marriage would be over, I had my writing to keep me company. I became engrossed in another writing project at the start of 2014 when I was in the shittest time of that relationship. I could only describe it as being truly FUCKED UP.

Many years ago, I had read a book called Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s a super book with 100 chapters of things we can do to stop all the small stuff from taking over our life. Small stuff had taken over my life back then and I needed to try and find some balance. For me, the book was a game changer because when I began to identify the things I was giving my energy to and worrying about, I was able to begin to let them go and decide what and how much energy I wanted to give to perceived problems.

With the escalation of things at home, my inner peace was rapidly declining and I didn’t like the feelings I was feeling. My life was so far away from calm that I had no idea how I could restore it. I was coming up with any possible idea to try and help bring peace back to my life and to my marriage and I remembered that book – Don’t sweat the small stuff.

With my take charge attitude, I decided that I had to be the one to manage my part of this situation - or shituation as it was - so I went and got another copy. Actually, I got two. One for me and one for my ex. It was my intention to just read it and be reminded of the things that I had put into practice when I read it the first time, but when I finished it, I had the hair brain idea to begin writing about all the chapters in the book and how they were relating to my current reality and to begin to use the book as a way to restore my zen.

A quote from the book really summed up the situation I had found myself in.

"change the things that can be changed,
accept those that cannot,
and have the wisdom to know the difference"

I knew what I had to change and it was the way I was responding.

I had no idea how long it would take to finish the project, or whether I ever would, but I eventually reached chapter 100. It did take a few years to complete, as a lot of other stuff began to fill my live feed and many new experiences became part of the writing journey.

Completing the project became a project in itself as I knew I wanted closure and to acknowledge this mammoth undertaking. I had people reading and responding to my writing, which felt fantastic and the writing journey had been instrumental in my decision to make change.

I guess we can always ask the “what if” question. What if I hadn’t started that photo a day journey? What if I never let it evolve into something that helped me to discover this “thing” I call a gift? What if I had of been content to live the life which was weighing me down, what if, what if, what if?

I don’t want to think about the what if, because all I did was take one unexpected, unplanned step after being inspired by someone else and that small step not only opened the pathway towards finding a true passion, but also helped me to take bigger steps towards creating a better life.

Words seem to come to me and in 2018 I did another writing project, which was a word a day. I ended up with a wall in my apartment that was full of coloured post its containing words that had meaning to me and were significant for what was another big year of change. 

The word a day wall

In 2019, whilst in India, I started spending time just writing quietly and beginning to flesh out what my story might look like if I were to go ahead and start tapping away on the keyboard. And in 2020 more change has come and I don’t just mean the global pandemic, which is one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed in my lifetime, but change that has bought me to beautiful New Zealand where I have found the inspiration to continue on with my story.

As I think back, I know I was always quick witted and good with words, but I was the girl who couldn’t find the words to use in the high school debate, or the words to tell her she was good enough till much later in life, or the right words to tame and quieten that roaring Leo who would be ready to pounce on me should things not go his way. But I eventually uncovered an unexpected gift and found a way to use written words to guide me through the turmoil of my marriage and make it to the other side and to a moment in time where I could speak the words I needed to speak, and those words were…..I want a divorce.

I certainly don't have the answers on how to find your passion and purpose, but it starts with trying something new, doing something unexpected, following a gut feeling or in my case, being inspired from a most unusual source.

Chapter 1. The beginning

Within a short period of time – about five years, I went through a lot of change.  Five years might seem a lot or a little depending on your view, but my life has spanned 53 years and the intensity of this period felt all-consuming.  Finally, it has begun to flat line in a really good way.  The flat line is often associated with the end of life, but for me, I feel like it’s a calm beginning. 

During that period of turmoil, a wonderful thing happened.  I met a man who loves me, encourages and inspires me in ways I never thought possible and when our worlds collided, a journey began that has taken us to the place we now call home.  

A dear friend of mine once said that no one would ever believe the things you have been through.  You should write a book.  

The idea for a book has come to me a few times, and I always thought I would be writing about something very different to what I am, but my journey has taken me to places and through experiences I never imagined and throughout all of this, there was a constant force –resilience - the thing that enables us to cope, no matter what might be going on around you and the desire for wanting things to be better today, then they were yesterday.  I am grateful for these and other  qualities as they have helped me weather many a storm.

Let’s begin shall we.  Once upon a time……

Hang on, that’s a different story. Mine is a story of courage and strength and it starts like this.

“I want a divorce!”

The Janergy Effect e-book