The Janergy Effect e-book link
One of the great things about being in a new city is that there is so much to explore but the downside can be not having anyone to explore all the wonderful things with.
Now it was just me. My son was in Brisbane, my family were overseas, I had no real support network of friends around me and here I was feeling so excited to have this opportunity to explore a new horizon, but I was lonely even though I had so much wonderment just outside the door and the relief of personal freedom.
The transition from coupledom to singledom is never easy regardless of how happy or unhappy the relationship may be. We have routines that help keep us secure and grounded and when they all disappear, you can find yourself looking into what seems a very empty and lonely life even though there was so many good things that await us.
Many nights I would cry when I was sitting home alone and it’s a normal part of dealing with big change and letting go. Leaving a relationship is big change, moving to a new city is big change, starting a new job is big change and as exciting as those things were, when I got home, it was just me and I really did feel the loneliness of not having someone to greet me, or to cook for, or to chat with about my day and that was because I chose to want better. Being lonely is an emotion in itself and separate to all the other things that were making their way to the surface as I was going through my reboot. I was also dealing with grief, loss, uncertainty, joy, peace, excitement and happiness – what a mix.
I would really work at a conscious level on changing my thinking and reminding myself that this was only a temporary feeling and situation, and it would pass. Of course, doing something to not feel lonely is also so important, but my feelings were real, and I validated and accepted them and reminded myself that I am in charge of the action or inaction needed to change my loneliness factor.
Millions of people were feeling what I was feeling at this very same time, and I was determined to overcome this, just as I had overcome so many other obstacles. I was also very accepting that what I was feeling was perfectly normal and would then go about doing something to change my outlook. Making the decision is what makes the difference to how we can feel in any moment.
Being alone and loneliness has in some ways been a big part of my life. I had always felt like it was a bit of an outsider. I had a child at a young age and devoted myself to raising him after my first marriage ended, so I felt alone for a very long time and was craving the desire for another union, but just didn’t know how to make it happen.
I was actually a single woman for 15 years. After the breakdown of the relationship with my son’s father at 22, I just never felt worthy of love, I felt an incredible sense of rejection and I certainly didn’t feel like people actually liked me or that anyone would want to love me, so from my early 20’s to my late 30’s I was letting life slip by in a way that I didn’t really know how to change. I am not implying that my life was an empty shell, because I did lots of great things, but there was always a sense of loneliness attached to them.
I found it hard to connect with myself, let alone men and maybe that’s why I ended up in that last shitty marriage. I was given attention and I liked it, apart from the other baggage that came with it. The marriage did give lots of opportunities to be engaging with others and it certainly helped me to feel like I had something to offer.
Maybe all those feelings I had of not feeling friend worthy or lovable, was because I wasn’t actually loving myself enough and being a good friend to me. I guess one of the reasons my personal development path is so important, is because it helps peel off the layers that creep over us through our life and stop us from finding and being our true self. I worked really hard to deal with all of the feelings I had about me, so that my inner self would align with the outer self that people loved and it has paid off. I put in the work to uncover this diamond that I feel is sparkling in this world.
People did and do gravitate towards me because of my colourful and fun personality, so on the exterior people would see a woman who was confident and looked so self-assured, but inwardly, there had been a massive sense of self-doubt, lack of self-worth and self-esteem which I addressed. The person I am, who you might see in real life, or on the pages of my social media is the true blue, dinky di, authentic me and I love her to bits.
I really loved Melbourne and all that it had to offer, but when I left Brisbane behind, I really thought that the people who I believed cared about me would keep in touch. Of course, there are some friendships that weather all storms and I knew that those people had my back, but as for the others – the people I had helped when they needed help, the ones who were at my place regularly for meals or parties – who were seeing me at my finest even when I was being dealt the most torment, the ones who said “I can’t wait to see you again” – never ever checked in to see how I was doing. My ex-husband seemed to have made sure that he was the victim and I was the cause of all his misery.
This really made me feel hurt, but I have had an opportunity to speak with some people who were in my life and share some of the things that I had been through in my marriage and there was certainly surprise on their part as people genuinely had no idea of the life behind closed doors.
On one particular night a few months after settling in Melbourne, I was feeling quite lonely, sad and a bit meh and I was laying on my couch and a ladybug landed on my leg. I was now living in my new apartment on the 18th floor of my building and in that moment, I felt a shift in how I was feeling. That ladybug had given me a little reason to smile and a joyous moment to think about. It had made its way 18 floors up from the ground and had found me and I felt that it must have been a sign of good things to come. Of all the buildings, and all the people it could have landed on, it chose me. A Casablanca moment if ever there was one. So, I googled what it meant because I thought it must have been auspicious.
The
ladybug is a messenger of promise, the ladybug reconnects us with the joy of
living. Fear does not live within joy. The need to release our fears and return
to love is one of the messages it carries.
The ladybug teaches us how to restore our faith and trust in great spirit. It
initiates change where it is needed the most. When a ladybug appears, it is
asking us to get out of our own way and allow great spirit to enter.
It felt like a powerful moment for me and I took notice of the interpretation. Whenever I felt those moments of loneliness, I reminded myself of the ladybug and how she too was making her way through life alone and she seemed to be okay. I made a commitment to myself to be more aware of those feelings when they entered my thoughts and to let them pass through.
The beautiful ladybug
Our pathway in life is meant to keep evolving, we are meant to keep evolving and although one ladybug didn’t change my whole life, it’s the little bits of the puzzle that lead us to become stronger, happier and content in our life.
My ex-husband would keep in touch and occasionally we would chat on the phone and in a way, it was nice to have some familiarity. We were still friends on Facebook and he still said I was his best friend. Before parting ways, we agreed that if ever it came time for either of us to want a divorce, we would have the decency to tell each other and do it civilly and respectfully. Given that I had ruined his life and he was never going to marry again, I figured it would be a long time before we had that conversation. But it wasn’t too long before I smelt a rat. And this dirty rat really stunk.
The people who I worked with were very kind and understanding of my situation, and one day as we did our round the table in a meeting, I blurted out that I was so lonely and began to cry. Being vulnerable is also such a powerful thing as it is what helps to peel off those layers. I am very much about being my authentic self and from that moment, people began to look out for me a bit more.
I began joining my colleagues for Friday drinks and there was one lovely lady who had moved to Melbourne from overseas and she knew exactly how I was feeling in terms of arriving in a new city, being single and having no friends, so one night after our drinks, she suggested we go to dinner. Her shout.
By now my financial deficit was beginning to hit and that also compounded my loneliness. When you have money to burn, it’s always possible to find something to do – even if it’s just going to a movie, but for me, I was making sure that I spent my money wisely and that really limited some of the experiences I could take part in. But Melbourne is a city where even walking around the art filled laneways is satisfying enough, so that’s how I spent a lot of my time - wandering. It’s amazing how just being out and around other people can make you feel like you aren’t lonely.
I agreed to go to dinner with my colleague and as we worked near the Crown Complex in Melbourne, she suggested we go to Nobu – a lovely and very fancy Japanese restaurant. Well, that night was fantastic. We were already a bit tipsy when we arrived and enjoyed a ridiculously expensive meal, including a flight of sake which cost about $45 per person and she was determined to make sure our night was a hoot. We laughed our way through dinner and more drinks and I finally felt like I had a connection and was letting my hair down. It doesn’t sound much, but some moments, including an $18 lettuce salad stay with you and it was so nice walking into work the following Monday having something wonderful to talk to and connect with my colleagues about.
One of the other really lonely moments I encountered was Christmas Day. It was the first Christmas I spent without family and I didn’t know what I would do. I figured I’d just pick up something simple to eat and spend the day at home or go wandering – I was good at that. I also looked at volunteering opportunities, but surprisingly they had to be booked months in advance.
I ended up taking myself to Federation Square in the morning for breakfast with all the other people who didn’t have a place to go. I had gone from enjoying champagne breakfast and festive feasts in years past to having juice from a squeeze box, a cold croissant from a packet and a piece of fruit. It was certainly different, but it was okay, because even this was better than where I had come from.
My Christmas day afternoon was much better because I had in fact made a new friend a few weeks earlier and she invited me to a group lunch. It was a fantastic afternoon and she continued to include me in so many things and we cemented a very firm friendship.
She
also invited me to a new year’s party just a block away from my home and I went
along, danced and had a heap of fun, but as midnight drew near, I decided I
just wanted to go home and enjoy the fireworks from my balcony and say goodbye
to 2015 and all that had happened and welcome the new year with my own
company. I may have been alone at that time, but I certainly wasn’t
feeling lonely.
If you look at the concept of introversion and extroversion, I am a definite extrovert and that means I get my energy from being around other people. Introverts can feel lonely but can go for periods of time in their own company. They need their own solitude and peace to recharge. Not the extroverts, we need to be one with the people.
Loneliness comes and goes and as mentioned, some people are very happy to be in their own company, but for others the feelings of aloneness can be very overwhelming even to the point where it has severe effects on one’s mental health. I made sure that I acknowledged that loneliness is a feeling, just like other feelings we have, and I had the choice to change how I felt about it.
Things I did to overcome my loneliness during this transition were:
I shifted my mindset to be accepting that my loneliness was temporary, and it was because of a huge positive change that I had initiated in my life and it wasn’t always going to be like this. I switched off the “poor me, I’m all alone” recording and replaced it with a more positive one.
I kept bringing myself back to the moment and stopped my thoughts when they were racing to far ahead or back in time and accepted them and let them pass.
I distracted myself by changing my environment or doing things that filled what felt like an empty space. I would go for a walk, sew, write, pick up my paint brush, or watch a funny movie. I spent time doing unfinished business. For example, I spent nights compiling all the recipes I had collected over the years into a single book and that gave me a great sense of achievement and kept me distracted. I even made a list of things I wanted to do, so that at any time, I could pick something off the list and do it. Many things were even free and that was even better.
I reached out for help. I contacted our employee assistance service to go and discuss how I was feeling and that helped me to employ strategies and remind me that what I was feeling was perfectly normal and manageable. Sometimes another person’s perspective can make a huge difference.
I recognised that even though I was a single woman and felt alone, I was enough and I began to work on redefining me and rebuilding my pillars in a way that I wanted to, not in a way that was expected of me and that was an empowering journey in itself.
Let’s touch on number five for a minute. Recognising that I WAS ENOUGH was a key part of overcoming my loneliness. We can still be in a relationship or friendship and feel terribly lonely and if like me, you make that bold move to end something, there is a massive sense of relief, but there are also feelings that come with no longer having someone in your space, no matter how challenging it may have been. You have to change and break patterns and get comfortable with doing things on your own.
This is the time that you can do whatever fuck you want, whenever the fuck you like, and you don’t have to answer to anyone. And how good is that. That might sound scary to some, as we are so often tied to the beliefs of others, but power and your true sense of self comes when you are free to explore life on your own terms.
Unraveling after a relationship can make us feel pretty miserable and affect our self-esteem, so recognising that we should never be defined by another person’s company is a big win for team YOU.
I began using my time to face the demons of not feeling ENOUGH – and these were feelings that had been deep rooted. I started forming a new relationship with myself.
When you feel good about yourself and decide that you aren’t defined by another person’s presence, it becomes very empowering because you take charge of your life and begin to build strength and enhance your confidence and with confidence comes our ability to just plough through some of those thoughts and feelings that can hold us back.
I also decided to explore the dating situation and put myself back online and then offline and then online and there was no shortage of unsuitable suitors that’s for sure. But more about that ridiculousness later.
The loneliness was still there in the background, but the good thing was, that I knew how to respond to it in a much better way. I chose this new life and that made it much easier to accept.
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